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| I think today I shall clean my apartment in only my underwear. And maybe some flip flops. I think it shall be liberating.
Oh golly, I haven't updated this in a while. Let's see ... Elliot visited last weekend and I had a lovely time! We went to Boston for a night and hung out with some of his friends. We caught an outdoor performance of "Taming of the Shrew" (a highly sexist play, by the way) in Boston Common, which was fun despite me dozing off in the middle. The next day we walked around Cambridge in search of a fancy cheese store. The weather was very fall-like so it was quite beautiful. Just hanging out there last weekend really improved my opinion of the city! Then on Monday we went to the mall in Providence and took some silly pictures. We went to Pottery Barn Kids to shop for our fictitious adopted Chinese daughter Wei-Lin. Then we went to a mattress store and laid on this mattress that had an adjustable firmness setting. After the guy gave us a 15 minute schpiel, we didn't know what to say, so Elliot told him we'd have to "consult our budget" and we'd "get back to him." Then we went to a photo booth and took a sassy picture together. I had so much fun!
I'm going out to Chicago to see him next weekend, which I'm very excited about. I've never been to Chicago so I can't wait to check it out. I've heard lots of good things about it -- a big city, but cleaner, friendlier, and cheaper than most other cities.
Then on the 25th I'm seeing Mariah in concert! I'm so excited that I had a dream about it last night. Unfortunately my dream was probably better than the actual concert will be. I just hope I'm not disappointed. Mariah puts on a good show -- and I've heard good things about this concert -- but I know her songs so well that I can tell if she's lip-synching or if she can't quite re-create the original power of the song. I'll keep my hopes high though.
I got the new Christina Aguilera album the other day. I buy my MP3s from a sketchy Russian website, so I'm able to buy them for $0.10 each and often I can get the album before it comes out in the US. So I've been listening to that and I'm not sure what to think of it. It's definitely not as good as her last album, but it is a tad more creative just because she's going for the whole old school theme. But some songs are just blatant rip-offs of other songs ("Candy Man" is pretty much the same tune as "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy") or they're bland re-creations of the great songs of the 40's. "Ain't No Other Man" is the fastest song on the album, so I have no idea what else she can release as a single. I just don't see how this album can have a lot of commercial success. We'll see though. Some of my favorites are: Slow Down Baby, Here To Stay, The Right Man, and Welcome. Wow, I only like 4 songs out of 22? Yikes.
So anyway, more stuff coming up in August, but I'll hopefully update this again soon.
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| On the path to becoming the person I am today, I've undergone many transformations. It'd be really interesting if I could have a conversation with the person I was 8-10 years ago. I don't even know if we'd have anything in common.
But as I think about these changes, it seems that other people I know haven't had to go to such extremes to figure themselves out. My friends from high school, for example, seem like pretty much the same people they were then. And I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Their core humor and just their presence feel essentially the same. One time I asked them if I'm the same as I was back in high school. They said there are "remnants" of my old self, but that I've changed quite a bit.
I was a really insecure teenager and, possibly because of that, I was not very honest with myself about a lot of things. Dealing with being gay is one such example. My first realizations about my sexuality occurred in 6th grade -- and they only got stronger through junior high. Yet by the time I reached high school, I had become so fearful of those thoughts that I denied them and forcibly prevented thoughts on the matter. This continued until I was 19 years old and in college. Granted, I probably did not have the maturity or the sense of self necessary to deal with those issues in high school. But I did have friends and family that would've been supportive. I was just too insecure to trust them.
Then in college I had to go through several phases. My freshman year I pierced my eyebrow, started wearing baggy jeans, and went to raves (and partook in all the activities that go along with raves.) Then my sophomore year when I was basically living by myself and realizing that I made no real friends my freshman year, I turned to religion for a sense of guidance. Eventually finding no satisfaction in organized religion, I gradually started discovering who I really was for once.
Perhaps you have to go through a series of trials and errors to figure it out. But why does it seem like some people are just born with a natural sense of who they are and what they like? I've never been like that. Finally, in the summer of 2000, I dealt with my sexuality. However, it was only because a guy basically made a very bold move on me (and I realized I didn't mind it) that I dealt with it. Would I have made this discovery if someone had done that to me years before? And if he hadn't made a move, how much longer would I have stayed in that state of denial?
Coming to Brown has made me think a lot about my past choices. My past choices and mistakes are what got me here today. If I had gotten into med school last year the way I had antipated, I would have been in LA right now. And it gets me thinking about what I would be like if things had turned out differently. What if I had gone to Brown as an undergrad instead? I would have had completely different friends, I probably wouldn't have gone through my raver or short-lived Christian phases. How different would I have been today? And where would I even be today?
I guess it's silly to think about "What if" or "Coulda woulda shoulda." But it's interesting the way you find yourself in a place that you didn't expect to be and you have to look back and think, "How did I get here?" I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now, but I have to admit that I never thought I'd be at Brown or in Providence. And when people ask me where I see myself in the future, although I may say "Probably back in California," I don't know if that's really the truth. Frankly, I have no clue where I'll end up or who I'll be. The only thing I hope for is that I continually improve, grow, and discover who I am at the core of it all. | | |
| I was super-crabby today. Then I went to this grad student "dance," which was like a junior high dance with alcohol. It was pretty sad. I started laughing hysterically at the number of guys with pony tails or over-sized flannel shirts. Then I went home and stepped in dog shit. Then I interrupt my roommates having sex (although they managed to slam the door before I got near their room), so I slammed my door for emphasis (so mature, right?!)
Watch out, I'm on the rag...
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| I will never tire of Whitney Houston parodies. | | |
| The youtube addiction has not subsided. In fact, I think it's worse.
I was really moody last week. I'm not sure why. I got into some intensely foul moods, which I think was mostly brought on by fatigue and stress. And I felt sick for the most of the week, so that never helps.
My week did finish nicely with a pleasantly unexpected call from my friend Ken (aka good Ken). I hadn't talked to him in months and I didn't get to see him while I was in SF, so it was nice catching up with him. I always enjoy his outlook on things -- mainly because I think we both struggle with our tendency towards cynicism (and our eventual triumph against it.) So that got my weekend started off nicely.
I hung out with Elliot and two of his lady-friends on Saturday night. We watched season 4 of Queer as Folk and I had the realization that the show, for lack of a better word, sucks. I never realized how poor the writing and acting was. It's plagued with cliches and filler plot and repetition of the same damn themes. Fortunately our viewing turned into mocking the show and the actors, so at least I didn't have to take watching it seriously.
Sunday was kind of an off day. I got up late, ate breakfast at Louie's -- this grease-pit diner that is quasi-famous in Providence, took a nap, then worked on some schoolwork for the rest of the day and night. I half-heartedly watched Grey's Anatomy, but it wasn't the best of episodes. Meredith is stupid though. I'm kinda mad at that bitch right now.
So this is the worst post ever. But this is pretty representative of my thoughts and verbalizations lately -- random and slightly incoherent. | | |
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